Doors Are Open!
Volume 1: Let's start the fun
What’s up!
Welcome to the cabin where I serve up laughs hotter than a microwave burrito.
I mean, what the hell else is the roof of your mouth good for besides…MEASURING HEAT?
Just a quick announcement, keep your shoes on at all times. This is a wood cabin and the only set of tweezers in here belong to me…you’ve been warned.
Enjoy the show!
If You Think Your Life Sucks (Opener):
If you think your life sucks, try being on a stadium “Kiss Cam” and forgetting your spouse is to your right.
Your spouse: “20 years of marriage and you forgot what I look like…in 20 seconds. Enjoy the game, I’m calling a locksmith.”
If you think your life sucks, try being a colonoscope.
Imagine doing your swimmer’s routine then enter the “tube” and dry heave. On exit, you announce, “2 on the right, 3 on the left.” Then the doctor hands you a laser.
“What? No, I’m the scope, that’s Sam’s job.”
“Sam called out sick.”
“Again! He’s such an *sshole.”
Dad Punch (Featured):
One Christmas, growing up, my mom got me and my dad boxing gloves.
Oh, you can smell the whoopin’ coming, can’t you?
But let’s keep going.
So we’re in the basement lacing up.
The rule was no headshots because no headgear.
Ok cool.
We’re sizing each other up, throwing punches.
You know, arm shots, chest shots.
And my dad sneaks in a jab, BOOM, to my stomach.
It hurt…real bad.
I’m like 11, maybe 12 at the time.
And I felt adult manpower to the gut.
I got mad, trying to play it off.
And I threw this Muhammad Ali flurry of punches.
I stopped punching and started crying…holding my stomach.
My dad threw his gloves off and hugged me.
He apologized.
I let a moment pass and dried my tears.
I kneed him in the balls.
Then…his stomach was hurting.
So I hugged him and said, “We’re even, right?”
Food, Fun, And Unfortunately…Family (Headliner):
Isn’t it great when you visit your parents from out of town and have a barbecue?
Everyone comes over to ruin the house you spent a day and a half cleaning.
Of course, your parents are hosting, mingling, and showing you off like a zoo animal on the loose.
But there’s the one relative, usually a cousin…twice removed or an in-law throwing on the apron and snatching up those tongs.
And you know they can’t grill good enough to feed…rats.
You give them fresh hamburger patties and four minutes later you have hockey pucks.
Then you turn to the serving table, and you see your nemesis, deviled eggs sitting in the hot sun.
I love deviled eggs, but c’mon man…there’s no room in the fridge.
It’s full of meats Cousin Chef Dynamite has to incinerate.
Plus, we’re hiding banana pudding from Big Mouth Tina. Everyone has a big mouth Tina or Tom in the family.
They come for exactly nine minutes and do their best eating at home…with your food in Ziploc containers and foil.
And I keep my IPAs in the house fridge because no one likes IPAs…but they love opening IPAs, just to show me the look on their face as they spill it out.
Just drink the goat piss pilsners and lagers in the coolers and get outta here!
Then your grandpa shows up with “not your grandma” and some heat n’ eat chicken from the supermarket down the street.
But don’t knock it. By the end of the night, it might be the only thing edible…until Cousin Chef Dynamite offers to warm it up.
No, thank you, and goodnight!
Better yet, good luck. I hear they’re hiring at the local crematory.
Thank you!
Thanks for stopping by the cabin. It was great having you here today.
If you enjoyed the show, why not share the laughs with your friends and family?
After all, there’s plenty of room!
Until next time, keep laughing your way to a happy, healthy life.